As ever, it’s the hope that kills you.

No matter what has gone before, no matter how many thrashings England have been on the end of, the build up to an Ashes series gets me as excited as a toddler does for Christmas.

Test cricket is the aristocracy of sport, and Ashes Tests are the pinnacle of it. In many ways, us English are, culturally, incredibly similar to Australians. Neither of us likes to admit it. But in many other ways we’re also a complete contrast of each other. That’s what makes the Ashes special. The empire against the colony. Lords against larrikins.

The latest Ashes series started this week in Perth. Since a dominant 3-1 victory back in 2010-11, England had not won a match down under, let alone a series. This series would be different, though, surely. This was an England team on the up, a young and exciting side who had been largely successful for three years under the guidance of coach Brendon McCullum and captain Ben Stokes. Australia were the old guard, nearly everyone in the squad over 30, an increasingly weak batting line up that had been exposed in recent times, and a bowling attack that had been the very best in the world but was now starting to show its age. Surely, this was England’s best chance to win the Ashes in Australia for 15 years.

Why, then, am I writing this while an Australian moustache – otherwise known as batter Travis Head – is on my TV with a big cheesy grin on his face? In the bottom right hand corner, a graphic helpfully points out that Australia have won the first Test by 8 wickets.

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A word on TNT’s Ashes coverage

This year’s Ashes is live for UK audiences on TNT Sports. Between TNT and its predecessor, BT Sport, this is the third consecutive away Ashes tour they have shown. Unfortunately, the coverage has got worse in that time, not better.

Back in 2017, when BT were in charge of showing the first England Test match not to be on Sky since 2005, you have to say they did a reasonable job. They made their own graphics for it, they put together a bespoke commentary team which meant we avoided hearing growling Aussie voices, they put some effort in.

The next series in 2021-22 was obviously badly impacted by Covid, so BT just took the Australian feed with its overbearing graphics and silly back-to-front score style. Commentary wise, it was either the Aussie commentators or some piped-in commentary from someone watching the action on a screen in London. This is called ‘off tube’ commentary in the industry, and does not make for a great experience, though it was understandable in the circumstances.

Less forgivable is the poor effort we’ve been given this year. For some reason, TNT have paid for the presenter Becky Ives and two pundits – ex-England captain Sir Alastair Cook and former bowler Steven Finn, to go out there, but not any commentators. Commentary has been provided, again off tube, by – I kid you not – professional rugby and cycling commentators such as Ali Eykyn and Rob Hatch. Nice voices they may be, but their lack of cricket knowledge is evident.

After England had been bowled out for 172 in 32.5 overs on the first day, one of them said England had been removed from “32 and a half overs”, clearly not quite understanding what ‘.5’ meant in this context. On day 2, a brilliantly executed and very deliberate guide down to third man by Marnus Labuschagne was met with a cry of “EDGED!” from the commentator. Cook and Finn subsequently pointed out that it had come off the middle of the bat.

Come on, TNT. If you’re going to bid for the rights, give a series like the Ashes the respect it deserves, because – a bit like England’s batting – this isn’t good enough.

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All that build up, all that hope, all that talk, and Australia have given England a hiding within two days. Two days! It only started yesterday!

Questions have to be asked about England’s preparation. It’s an issue that those inside the camp have been brushing off, swatting away like all those Aussie flies, for weeks. England last played a Test match in August, against India at The Oval. They had only one warm up match, if you could call it that, on Australian soil before the Ashes began. This was no more than a jolly knockabout with England’s ‘A’ side, the Lions. In days of old, England would have arrived in Oz several weeks before the first Test and played proper first class games against hardened Australian state teams. That’s proper preparation. Not a few rounds of golf, a bit of a knock in the nets and a couple of days in the park with your mates.

It’s been the batting that has let England down. They were bowled out twice for less than 200 in Perth, and that was by an Australian attack that was missing two of its biggest names, Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood. It was the one remaining member of that holy trinity, Mitchell Starc, who took seven wickets in the first innings and ended up the player of the match. A lot of his wickets weren’t brilliant bits of bowling though. England slogged so many innocuous deliveries up in the air, presenting their opponents with simple catches, that it would be enough to make any Englishmen watching from back here in the dark and cold hide under their duvets.

A lot has been made of the ‘Bazball’ approach. The ultra positive, go hard and to hell with the consequences brand of cricket that England have been playing since 2022. In the last year or so, it seemed they had adapted it somewhat, into what the former captain and now pundit Michael Vaughan described as ‘Bazball with brains’. Yes, be positive. Take the action that will move the game forward. Don’t be afraid to try things. But if the situation needs you to rein it in a bit, do so. Wait until the opportunity is there to go on the attack.

Unfortunately the brains must have been left at the airport. In both innings, England showed no application, no awareness of the situation, and the brilliant players that we have like Harry Brook (albeit he was the only one to make a 50 in the first innings) and the great Joe Root had been and gone quicker than a Liz Truss premiership.

You can’t expect to win a Test match when you don’t get past 200. This needs to be addressed urgently. There should no rounds of golf between now and the second Test. These batters need to get in the nets and work hard. Bat, bat and bat some more.

Thousands of the Barmy Army have travelled to the other side of the world to support England on this tour. They have let them down. They’ve paid thousands for flights, hotels and tickets and the match is all done within two days. It’s not good enough.

England’s bowlers must emerge with some credit, though the way they turned into cannon fodder, for Head especially, in the second innings is a concern. On the first day they were superb. The battery of fast bowlers, the quickest England have ever taken to Australia, were peppering the batters with vicious pace and asking questions nearly every ball. They couldn’t have been expected to keep that up, though, and they couldn’t have expected Australia to be bowled out so cheaply twice.

For me, this defeat lies firmly with the England batting line up. I don’t want to hear them shrug this off and say ‘it’s just one of those things’. The hard work must start now or this could be a bleak winter.