LEE PAYNE

Author: ncfclee92

  • 7 Tests, ODI tri-series and get rid of The Hundred – my ideas to improve cricket

    The T20 Blast has the excitement and the crowds, so there’s no need for The Hundred

    In a concerning development this week, The Guardian reported that the England and Wales Cricket Board could be asked to move or even cancel the scheduled fifth Test match against India this summer. Due to take place between the 10th and 14th September at Old Trafford, it is believed that the Indian board may want the game shifted to make space in the calendar to complete this year’s Indian Premier League. The T20 tournament was suspended earlier this month due to an outbreak of Covid-19 amongst players and staff.

    Given that The Guardian claims the remaining 31 IPL matches are worth £200m in broadcast revenue for the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), it’s not hard to see why they would be keen to squeeze in the remainder of the tournament in a packed calendar. To me, however, it feels like a pivotal moment in the sport’s history – if an international fixture was moved or cancelled to accommodate a domestic franchise tournament, it would send out a message of cricket’s priorities and there may be no going back. It cannot be allowed to happen.

    This comes as cricket in England is also at a crucial stage. The Hundred, a whole new format cooked up by marketing men and despised by almost everyone with a passing interest in the game, is set to start in July. I’ve been thinking about ways to improve cricket and here are some of my suggestions.

    England should play 7 Tests every summer

    Test matches. The purest form of the game. The best form of the game, in my opinion. A prolonged examination of a player’s skills, a test of their concentration. There is nothing like the ebb and flow of a Test, the way the story unfolds over the course of five days. You can dip in and out of it, coming back to a match that has changed dramatically in the few hours you’ve been at work.

    England is one of the few countries that can still fill a ground for Test match cricket, a sad indictment of the world’s shortening attention spans. But, with this privileged position, we should make the most of it by playing seven Tests every summer. One series of three, one series of four. The only exception to this would be an Ashes year, in which the battle against the old enemy Australia would have to be over five and the other opponent would have to come over for two matches.

    Bring back the ODI tri-series

    The last ODI tri-series in England in 2005 featured a memorable Bangladesh victory over world champions Australia in Cardiff

    Up until 2005 the English summer would include an ODI tri-series, where three teams – usually England and that year’s two touring sides – would compete for a place in a final at Lord’s. The demise of the tri-series was down to money, of course. The matches that didn’t involve England would understandably generate less interest, making it harder to sell tickets for them and broadcasters to question why they were paying so much for the rights. But as such a multi-cultural place, I think there is still the opportunity for a highly successful tri-series to return. Imagine England playing a two Test series with Pakistan and a four Test series with India, with the meat in the middle of that sandwich being a tri-series including three India v Pakistan clashes at grounds such as Edgbaston, Headingley and Trent Bridge – cities with large British Asian populations.

    The T20 Blast is everything the ECB want The Hundred to be

    As a cricket tragic I find The Hundred a bit of an insult. This sport that I love so much is apparently too complex and too boring to attract new fans without it being pulled into a shape I don’t recognise first. And that’s according to the governing body! I refuse to believe that the concept of 20 overs of six balls would be too much for the general population to understand. And the idea of changing the term ‘wickets’ to ‘outs’? Do me a favour.

    What about the county cricketers of this country, professionals who ply their trade for clubs that have existed for over a century? For them to be told that they are no longer relevant and that the focal point of the summer will now be crass, made-up teams with names as risible as ‘Oval Invincibles’ is just offensive. The fact is, the ECB already have the answer to attracting new fans to cricket right in front of them – it’s called the T20 Blast.

    According to a brilliant Elizabeth Ammon column in Wisden Cricket Monthly magazine, in 2019 all eighteen county teams reported that ‘between 20% and 50% of their ticket sales [for the T20 Blast] were families, and a quarter were people who had not previously bought tickets’. I went to a Blast match that year which had a crowd bigger than most international fixtures around the world. Give it a window so the best players in the world have the chance to come and play in it, get some of it on primetime terrestrial television, and the game of cricket will get the popularity boost the ECB craves. And they won’t have alienated most of the existing fans in the process.

  • Why I took part in the social media boycott

    This morning, a major social media boycott by the world of sport came to an end.

    Clubs and governing bodies from football, cricket, netball, rugby union and rugby league were joined by companies including Barclays and Adidas and broadcasters Sky Sports and BT Sport in not posting anything on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or YouTube between 3pm on Friday and 11:59pm on Monday.

    The boycott took place with the aim of pressuring the social media companies into doing more to identify and punish people who post racist, sexist and homophobic messages on their platforms. The problem has been getting worse in recent months with several high profile cases highlighted by the media.

    My team, Norwich City, were part of the boycott and encouraged their fans to join in – which I did. This meant that there was no official content from the club on the weekend it won the Championship title.

    I see a lot of racist, sexist and homophobic messages online and, while I am a straight, white male, I find it very difficult to ignore and will often call people out on it. Usually it is because I am so astounded by some of the things they say that I feel the need for them to confirm that they really do mean the bile that they type. I am under no illusion that I can ‘talk them round’. I have written about sexism in sport in the past.

    Some say that those on the receiving end of such abuse on social media should simply ignore, block or report it. I think that is the wrong stance. This pushes the responsibility onto the victim of the abuse rather than challenging those who write it in the first place. The fight against abuse has to be about changing attitudes, not simply keeping them quiet.

    I hope this has helped to explain why the social media boycott was important and why I took part in it. No one involved expects online abuse to stop because of it, but if Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are shocked into action by a taste of what their platforms without the country’s biggest sports using them would be like then that can only be a good thing.

  • Listen To This: Humbug by Arctic Monkeys

    Listen To This: Humbug by Arctic Monkeys

    You’ve had two number one albums. The first was the fastest selling debut album in British music history. You’ve won the Mercury Prize. You’ve headlined Glastonbury. Where do you go from here?

    Many would have been tempted to stick to the formula that had brought such huge success, releasing a rinse-and-repeat third album to please the masses. Not Arctic Monkeys.

    After a whirlwind period in which the Sheffield band’s first two albums had been released within fifteen months of each other, there was more of a gap between 2007’s Favourite Worst Nightmare and its follow up. The front man, Alex Turner, recorded with his side project The Last Shadow Puppets – the resulting album, The Age of the Understatement, also went to number one.

    The four members of Arctic Monkeys had first met Josh Homme while playing the support act for his band, American rock outfit Queens of the Stone Age, in Houston. The idea of working together was mooted and in late 2008 they began making music with Homme in his recording studio near Los Angeles. They then continued to work in another studio in the Mojave Desert – about as far away from suburban Sheffield as it is possible to imagine.

    The result was Humbug.

    Album cover of Humbug by Arctic Monkeys

    Track listing (click to listen)

    My Propeller
    Crying Lightning
    Dangerous Animals
    Secret Door
    Potion Approaching
    Fire and the Thud
    Cornerstone
    Dance Little Liar
    Pretty Visitors
    The Jeweller’s Hands

    Ten tracks, all written by Turner as usual, but this time the lyrics were more abstract and instead of just guitars and drums those lyrics were accompanied by keyboards, xylophones, glockenspiels and shakers.

    I won’t go into detail about each song, but here a couple of things I want to say: Fire and the Thud was written about Turner’s then-girlfriend Alexa Chung, and Cornerstone contains my favourite lyrics in the entire Monkeys canon.

    Tell me, where’s your hiding place?

    I’m worried I’ll forget your face

    And I’ve asked everyone

    I’m beginning to think I imagined you all along

    Cornerstone by Arctic Monkeys

    Humbug was released in the UK on 24th August 2009, which was not just the day before my 17th birthday but also five days before Arctic Monkeys headlined Reading Festival with a set that included seven of the new album’s ten tracks. They were almost unrecognisable from the band that had performed on the same stage just three years earlier – the hair was longer, the guitars louder, the mood darker.

    Arctic Monkeys headlining Reading Festival in 2009

    As such a major departure from their earlier work, it took some fans time to get their heads around Humbug but it was another number one album for the band and is now seen as something of a gateway for them – a record that allowed them to break out of the image of cheeky indie lads and into bona fide rock stars. It paved the way for AM, the album that broke America, and the other-worldly Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino.

    Yes, I’m well aware that I’m biased (I’ve listened to Arctic Monkeys nearly every day for years), but I urge you to give this album a listen.

  • The funniest love song I’ve ever heard

    Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, when supermarkets shift a lot of flowers and chocolates love is in the air. Musicians have long been inspired by matters of the heart, so it takes a different approach to the subject to stand out. Here, I’d like to introduce you to the funniest love song I’ve ever heard.

    The Turtles might not be familiar to you, but you will probably have heard at least one of their songs. In 1967 they had a big hit with Happy Together, knocking The Beatles off the top of the US charts.

    Happy Together, the biggest hit The Turtles had

    They were talented musicians, so naturally they wanted to go down new routes and change their sound. Their record company, however, motivated by the cash Happy Together brought in urged them to write a very similar song.

    Fine, they thought – if that’s what you want, that’s what you’ll get. The Turtles recorded a parody of their biggest hit, dripping in sarcasm – it was called Elenore.

    I feel as if I can go no further without showing you the song’s lyrics in full:

    You’ve got a thing about you
    I just can’t live without you
    I really want you, Elenore, near me
    Your looks intoxicate me
    Even though your folks hate me
    There’s no one like you, Elenore, really

    Elenore, gee, I think you’re swell
    And you really do me well
    You’re my pride and joy, et cetera
    Elenore, can I take the time
    To ask you to speak your mind?
    Tell me that you love me better

    I really think you’re groovy
    Let’s go out to a movie
    Whadda you say now, Elenore, can we?
    They’ll turn the lights way down low
    Maybe we won’t watch the show
    I think I love you, Elenore, love me

    Elenore, gee, I think you’re swell
    And you really do me well
    You’re my pride and joy, et cetera
    Elenore, can I take the time
    To ask you to speak your mind?
    Tell me that you love me better

    (One more time)
    Elenore, gee, I think you’re swell, ha-ha
    Elenore, gee, I think you’re swell, ha-ha, ha-ah-ah

    I long to use the line ‘I really think you’re groovy, let’s go out to a movie’ on a woman.

    The trouble is, The Turtles did such a beautiful job of their act of self-sabotage that it backfired. The lyrics were a joke, but they were delivered so well and backed by such terrific production that the song became another top ten hit in the US and went to number seven in the UK – five places higher than Happy Together had managed.

    It never fails to make me smile.

    The funniest love song I’ve ever heard

    Another love song I like

    This one’s not a parody, it’s just a really great song. It’s The Dave Clark Five with their 1963 song Glad All Over.

    An absolute banger, it was a number one hit in the UK and broke the top ten in the US – highly unusual for a British group that wasn’t The Beatles back then.

    You may have heard it at a football match, it’s an anthem for Crystal Palace. It’s well worth a listen.

    Glad All Over by The Dave Clark Five

  • Watch This: Blossoms – Back To Stockport

    As much as I love football, I am getting a bit tired of the daily dose of games beamed live from empty grounds. I’m really starting to miss crowds now. A living, breathing crowd adds so much to sport. Bordered by empty seats, even the biggest games feel like no big deal – Liverpool v Manchester United might as well have been Tranmere v Oldham.

    Last night Arsenal played Newcastle, and, while I would usually have the game on in the background while doing other things, this time I decided to watch something more interesting. I watched Blossoms – Back To Stockport.

    It’s a documentary film about the band Blossoms, exploring their origins and showing their preparations for a big homecoming gig in front of 15,000 people at Edgeley Park, home of Stockport County Football Club, which took place on 22nd June 2019.

    Blossoms. Left to right: guitarist Josh Dewhurst, bass player Charlie Salt, lead singer Tom Ogden, drummer Joe Donovan and keyboard player Myles Kellock

    In case you haven’t heard of them, Blossoms are a five-piece band from the aforementioned town of Stockport, near Manchester. The sort of music they make is probably best defined as psychadelic-indie-rock-pop. They came fourth on the BBC’s Sound of 2016 list, the broadcaster’s annual pick of musicians to listen out for in the year ahead. I first heard about them as I am a listener of Radio X, who included Blossoms on their similar Great X-Pectations list, and gave a lot of radio play to their single Charlemagne.

    Charlemagne, the breakthrough single for Blossoms

    I was immediately drawn to the band I think, in part, because there was a certain groove, a funk, to their songs – a sound that manages to simultaneously feel both modern and retro. I respect the fact that the frontman Tom Ogden writes all the songs and they all seem genuinely great guys who are living the dream. If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I am a total devotee to Arctic Monkeys, so you can imagine how delighted I was to hear in the film that Blossoms started off doing Arctic Monkeys covers and described Alex Turner as an ‘idol’.

    The film is made to a very high standard. It goes in-depth on the back stories of the five members of the band (discovering that all but one of them is younger than me made me feel old), who go against the grain of many rock bands of the past by showing themselves to be best mates in a way that they simply couldn’t put on for the cameras. Footage of the Edgeley Park gig runs as a thread throughout, and there are even little animated inserts to go along with whatever story one of them is telling at that moment.

    In Ogden, the band have a figurehead who demonstrates great showmanship on stage – the long hair and the 70s suits – but away from it he’s a quiet guy who just likes walking his dog. The drummer, Joe Donovan, has been Ogden’s friend since they were at school together and is a ball of energy brilliantly described by the others as ‘like having a fan of the band who is in the band’. Bassist Charlie Salt is a sort of older brother figure (he was born in 1991 for Christ’s sake!) who has the air of someone who would be able to charm his way into anything. Myles Kellock plays the keyboards, but seemingly only half as much as he plays video games – there’s one shot in the film where he’s playing what looks like Mario Kart at the back of a recording studio while the others are working on a song. His keyboards certainly contribute greatly to that modern/retro sound I described earlier, though.

    That leaves my favourite member of the band, lead guitarist Josh Dewhurst. He has a quality that I admire a lot, and that is being funny with a straight face. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people laugh, he just has a dry wit that makes him naturally funny. I’m someone who relies a lot on sarcasm so I can relate. In one scene, the band are being fitted out with the suits they will wear on stage at the big gig and Dewhurst tells a hilarious story about how he’s had to have pockets made on his trousers because, according to the tailor, ‘you don’t have an arse’. He tells it in such a way that makes Ogden in the background crack up, as did I. Dewhurst is also an incredibly talented musician. On the most recent Blossoms album, Foolish Loving Spaces, on the track Your Girlfriend the cowbell-type sound at the beginning was produced by Dewhurst hitting the wheel of a car.

    Your Girlfriend, from the 2020 Blossoms album Foolish Loving Spaces

    The shots of 15,000 people packed tightly onto the Edgeley Park pitch feel like a window into a different world, one in which no one knew what social distancing was. As hard as it is to believe at the moment, those days will return but for now this film is a wonderful tonic for these locked down times.

    I urge you to both give Blossoms a listen and watch the film. Their music appeals to all ages – I gave my mum one of their albums as a present last year and she’s had it on almost constantly in her car ever since – and the film is inspiring, in that a group of lads who a few years ago were playing to fifty people in pubs are now headlining stadium gigs. Watch the trailer below and the film is on Amazon Prime.

    The trailer for Blossoms – Back To Stockport
  • Listen To This: AM by Arctic Monkeys

    Listen To This: AM by Arctic Monkeys

    AM album cover

    Yes, I’m writing about Arctic Monkeys again. To go with my pieces on their first, second and sixth albums, I am going to take you track-by-track through the record that cracked America for the four-piece from Sheffield.

    One of the things I admire so much about Alex Turner, Jamie Cook, Nick O’Malley and Matt Helders is how they have evolved over time. They have never been afraid to go in a completely different direction and, to them, making the same music over and over again is a crime. Listen to their first hit single, 2005’s I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor, and One Point Perspective, my favourite track from the 2018 album Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino, and you can scarcely believe that the two songs were written and recorded by the same band.

    By the time AM was released on 9th September 2013, Arctic Monkeys had transformed from the scruffy indie kids in baggy jeans they were when they started out to rockers with slicked-back hair and leather jackets. The music had gone through a similar process.

    In an interview with BBC Radio 1 at the time of release, frontman Alex Turner said:

    “…it feels like this record is exactly where we should be right now. So it felt right to just initial it.”

    AM was born – with more than a nod to VU, released in 1985 by the Velvet Underground.

    Track list (click on one to listen)

    Do I Wanna Know?
    R U Mine?
    One For The Road
    Arabella
    I Want It All
    No. 1 Party Anthem
    Mad Sounds
    Fireside
    Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?
    Snap Out Of It
    Knee Socks
    I Wanna Be Yours

    The album’s opening track Do I Wanna Know? features what I consider to be one of the great guitar riffs. If you happen to be walking somewhere listening to it through headphones, I promise that you will feel approximately 94% cooler than you really are. The song is about unrequited love, how difficult it is to move on when you’ve been obsessed with someone and ponders whether the narrator really wants to know ‘if this feeling flows both ways’ or not.

    Another reason why this band means so much to me is that I really identify with the lyrics. There’s a line in the song – ‘maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new’ – that completely nails how I’ve felt in the past, in a way that I hadn’t been able to figure out for myself up to that point. Do I Wanna Know? was the first Arctic Monkeys song to make the Billboard Hot 100 chart in the US and was the opener to every gig the band played when touring the album. If you’re a fan of Peaky Blinders you might recognise it too.

    The band wanted to make a record that sounded good in a car and after that strong start they follow it up with R U Mine?, which sounds a bit like an up-tempo version of Do I Wanna Know?. The rapidly delivered lyrics are about missing the object of your desires and having a sincere feeling that every moment spent without them is wasted. The video for the song won the NME award for Best Video:

    The award winning video for R U Mine?

    One For The Road is the first example on the album of the continuing influence of Josh Homme on Arctic Monkeys. The frontman of Queens of the Stone Age first worked with the Monkeys on their third album Humbug and has been close to them ever since. In this song, you get the sense that Homme – who features on vocals – is moving their sound away from their native Sheffield and towards a kind of Americana. This was not a popular move among some of the fans but, for me, it’s really good if done well – which it is here.

    “And when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams”

    — Lyric from Arabella

    Alex Turner would introduce a performance of the fourth track from the album by informing the crowd ‘I want to tell you about a girl called Arabella!’. The lyrics are poetic, full of metaphors and a sign of how Turner’s songwriting has matured from, as he put it, ‘pointing at things and talking about them’ to speaking more from within. The song is essentially all about how awesome the aforementioned Arabella is.

    I Want It All and Mad Sounds are as close as this album gets to filler – very listenable songs, both achieve the aim of sounding great in the car – but just not particularly ground breaking. Between those tracks sits No. 1 Party Anthem, the obligatory ‘slow’ number on the album. I’m not sure why, but it feels to me like a bit of a tribute to the band’s debut single I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor. It contains some cracking lyrics too, my favourite being ‘It’s not like I’m falling in love, I just want you to do me no good/And you look like you could’. The performance of it at Reading festival in 2014 was a highlight of their set.

    No. 1 Party Anthem live at Reading Festival in 2014

    Take in Fireside for its tale of how love can be unpredictable, the much-covered Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High? for its story of frustration and try to get over that special someone with Snap Out Of It.

    Knee Socks is another song featuring the voice of Josh Homme, which might explain why I’ve always found it very similar to One For The Road.

    Most people would agree that Arctic Monkeys is a terrible name for a band. The story goes that it was guitarist Jamie Cook who came up with it but they were always looking to change it, until the performance poet John Cooper Clarke was apparently the first person to say he actually liked it. Clarke had always been a hero of Alex Turner’s, which isn’t surprising what with his proficiency with language, and performed at the Sheffield bar Turner was working in one night. Turner plucked up the courage to tell Clarke about the band he was part of and Clarke said ‘that’s a name I can imagine in the hit parade!’. The name has stuck ever since, and one of Clarke’s poems was slightly tweaked to turn it into the closing song on AM.

    I Wanna Be Yours, with its quirky lyrics including ‘let me be your vacuum cleaner, breathing in your dust’, seems the perfect way to finish off the record – it’s a love song, but one that’s down to earth and not too mushy. And for a brooding, confident album there seems no better ending.

  • My favourite film – Submarine

    I have mentioned before that films aren’t really my thing. I’m not quite sure why that is. I struggle to suspend my disbelief for 90+ minutes and therefore find it difficult to feel involved in a film (but then I can do that no problem with a TV series), and while the big explosions and huge fight scenes might entertain a lot of people they tend to bore me. Michael Owen gets a lot of stick for feeling this way, but I’m totally with him.

    As a result of this, I have seen a very short list of films so far. I was taken to the cinema as a child, mostly to see Disney animations as I recall, but you could name a huge number of ‘classics’ that I’ve never seen a single second of. I saw Blade Runner for the first time last year – purely because it was set in November 2019 and it was appropriately geeky in my eyes to watch it in November 2019. To be honest, I didn’t really see what the fuss was all about.

    My favourite film is one that a lot of people probably haven’t heard of. It was released in 2011, following a premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival in September 2010. It’s called Submarine.

    Submarine trailer

    Submarine is not about submarines. The film is based on a novel by Joe Dunthorne, who wrote most of it while at the University of East Anglia doing a creative writing degree. I read the book after seeing the film and thoroughly enjoyed it – the big screen adaptation stayed remarkably true to the source material, and Dunthorne’s writing style was very readable.

    The focus of Submarine is a 15-year-old boy, Oliver Tate, who is something of an outsider. No wonder I can relate to the character. You see, when I was at school there was usually one girl a year that I was completely besotted with. But I never told any of them – I never even tried to speak to them at all. I preferred to admire from afar. Oliver seems to take a similar approach, but plans his attempt to get together with the object of his desires, Jordana Bevan, with military precision.

    Jordana Bevan (Yasmin Paige) and Oliver Tate (Craig Roberts) in Submarine

    I don’t want to spoil it, I want you to go and watch it, so I won’t go too far into the story but it centres around Oliver and Jordana’s relationship, Oliver’s fears that his mother is having an affair, and Oliver’s reaction to a crisis in Jordana’s family. There are poignant moments but also some very funny ones (‘My mother is worried I have mental problems. I found a book about teenage paranoid delusions during a routine search of my parents’ bedroom.’)

    The title is derived from a line in the book, a love letter Oliver sends Jordana, in which he states ‘you are the only person that I would allow to be shrunken down to a microscopic size and swim inside me in a tiny submersible machine’.

    Richard Ayoade, who you may know as Moss from The IT Crowd, directed the film and did a fantastic job at rooting it in the book’s 1980s setting. I think it’s the feeling Ayoade creates that seals the deal for me in making this my favourite film.

    Richard Ayoade directed the film

    So, will you have heard of any of the cast? Well, Oliver is played by Craig Roberts, who first appeared in the kids’ TV show The Story of Tracey Beaker and also turned up in one of the later episodes of Skins. Noah Taylor, who plays Oliver’s father, has been in Game of Thrones and Peaky Blinders, his mother (Sally Hawkins) starred in The Shape of Water, and Jordana’s mother is played by Melanie Walters, best known for playing Stacey’s mum Gwen in Gavin & Stacey.

    Oh, and the fact that Alex Turner, the frontman of Arctic Monkeys, wrote and performed six songs for Submarine’s soundtrack is just a coincidence…

    Submarine often pops up on streaming platforms, though at the time of writing is only available for rental or purchase. Click here for places to get it.

  • Listen To This: Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not by Arctic Monkeys

    The release of the debut album by Arctic Monkeys was a major cultural event. The kind that wouldn’t happen nowadays. The full story of the origins of the band is one to be told another day, but by 23rd January 2006 it’s fair to say there was rather a lot of hype surrounding the Sheffield four-piece. They already had two number one singles to their name, had played the Carling Stage at the Reading Festival and crowds at their gigs already knew the lyrics to their songs.

    Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not album cover

    More than 360,000 copies of the album were sold in the first week after its release, comfortably securing the top spot in the charts and as I write this fourteen years later it is still the fastest selling debut album by a band. It won the prestigious Mercury Prize and well and truly set the band up for the enormous success that it continues to enjoy to this day.

    The album’s title is a quote from the 1960 film Saturday Night and Sunday Morning starring Albert Finney.

    This clip from Saturday Night and Sunday Morning is the origin of the album’s title

    It could be argued that it is a concept album, with the majority of its songs about the nightlife of Sheffield. The band have never claimed that this was their intention, and it’s most likely a coincidence. Alex Turner was probably writing about his own experiences, which as a teenager almost inevitably involved going out on the town.

    Here, I go through this classic album track by track. Click on the title of each song to listen to it.

    The View from the Afternoon

    It’s a fast start to the album as the drums of Matt Helders crash into the guitars, leading into Alex Turner’s lyrics about the anticipation of a night out. The lines ‘And she won’t be surprised and she won’t be shocked/When she’s pressed the star after she’s pressed unlock/And there’s verse and chapter sat in her inbox/And all that is said is that you’ve drank a lot’ rather date this song and evokes memories of the tiny Nokia phones everyone seemed to have back then.

    I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

    The first Arctic Monkeys song to be number one in the UK (in October 2005) and probably still their best known track. Played at the fast pace that characterised their early work, it kicks off with the great line ‘Stop making the eyes at me/I’ll stop making the eyes at you’ and paints a vivid picture of two people flirting across a nightclub. Nearly fifteen years after it was released, the band are a bit fed up of playing it now but it remains a firm fan favourite and the Monkeys even performed it at the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games.

    Fake Tales of San Francisco

    This song moves away from the nightlife theme somewhat and discusses how new bands often ignore their roots in the pursuit of being trendy and encourages them to ‘get off the bandwagon and put down the handbook’ and be true to themselves.

    On a personal note, my landlord is adamant that he inspired part of the lyrics to this track. He has told me a story about drinking in The Boardwalk in Sheffield with a friend, who during a conversation told him ‘you’re not from New York City, you’re from Rotherham’. A pre-fame Alex Turner was working behind the bar, seemingly overhead this and put those words into this song.

    Dancing Shoes

    Turner points out in Dancing Shoes that everyone on a night out is trying to pull but pretends that they’re not. It’s ‘the only reason that you came’, after all.

    Left to right: Jamie Cook (guitar), Andy Nicholson (bass), Alex Turner (vocals, guitar), Matt Helders (drums)

    You Probably Couldn’t See for the Lights but You Were Staring Straight at Me

    This song develops the idea of being on the pull on a night out further, focusing on the narrator’s attempts to chat up a girl. It’s the most lyrically complex song on the album, delivered almost at the pace of a rapper, and I feel this verse sums it up perfectly:

    ‘And oh, I’m so tense and never tenser
    Could all go a bit Frank Spencer
    And I’m talking gibberish
    Tip of the tongue but I can’t deliver it
    Properly
    Oh, it’s all getting on top of me
    And if it weren’t this dark
    You’d see how red my face has gone, yeah’

    Now I don’t go to nightclubs but I feel like that’s exactly what it’s like whenever I try to speak to a woman.

    Still Take You Home

    We’re still on the subject of trying to pull in a nightclub here, but in this one Turner talks about how people he’d never usually fancy at any other time suddenly look stunning in this particular setting. You get to hear a bit more of the rest of the band’s abilities in this one.

    Arctic Monkeys won the Mercury Prize in 2006 for this album

    Riot Van

    The slow number that most albums tend to include somewhere, and a tale about a group of cheeky lads fuelled by alcohol winding up the police.

    Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured

    Underrated, and possibly my favourite song on the album. Turner has always been very good at observing everyday things and making songs out of them. Here, it’s the sign you often see on the inside of a taxi. It’s time to go home after a night out now and High Green, the suburb of Sheffield the band grew up in, is mentioned. The driver won’t let them have six in, though, ‘especially not with the food’.

    Mardy Bum

    A love song, but not the typically gushing type. The narrator is having a bit of a row with his ‘mardy bum’ (Northern slang for irritable) of a girlfriend, and reminisces about ‘cuddles in the kitchen’. I’m sure we could all relate. Turner would make a habit of going at love songs from unusual angles in the second Monkeys album and the track D Is For Dangerous.

    They don’t play Mardy Bum live very often but when they do they tend to slow it right down – they did it accompanied by a string arrangement at Glastonbury in 2013 and the result was beautiful.

    Perhaps Vampires Is a Bit Strong But…

    A rather brave thing to do on your first album, but here Arctic Monkeys launch something of an attack on the sort of promoters and record producers who only see music as a way to make money. You just have to listen to the lyrics yourself, they’re quite extraordinary.

    When the Sun Goes Down

    The second Monkeys single to top the charts, and it’s all about the prostitutes the band used to see around their rehearsal space in Neepsend in Sheffield. Rather than passing judgement on the women, it centres on the men coming to pick them up (a working title was Scummy Man).

    From the Ritz to the Rubble

    This one starts off about an attempt to get past the bouncers and into a nightclub and ends up reflecting on how you can say things on a night out that you just can’t say the next day.

    A Certain Romance

    The closer of a classic album and the closer to most of the band’s gigs in their early years. The maturity of A Certain Romance’s lyrics belie the tender age Turner was when he wrote it.

    If you enjoyed reading this, I have also written about the other Arctic Monkeys albums Favourite Worst Nightmare and Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino.

  • Newspaper column – Tuesday 21st July 2020

    My latest column for the Eastern Daily Press and Norwich Evening News Fans’ Zone page is published today.

    It’s about what a terrible season it has been for Norwich City and how the end of it can’t come soon enough.

    You can read it online here, but if you do happen to be in a shop, do buy a paper!

    The Norwich players will be as happy to see the back of this season as the fans

  • Talking points from England’s brilliant win in the second Test

    England beat the West Indies by 113 runs in the second Test at Old Trafford

    The first international cricket played since the start of the coronavirus pandemic has not disappointed. The Test series between England and the West Indies is level at 1-1 going into the final match on Friday after the home side completed a superb 113 run win today. Here are a few talking points I’ve found from the second Test.

    First innings runs were key

    England were bowled out for 204 in their first innings in the first Test at the Rose Bowl, a match they went on to lose by 4 wickets. They arrived at Old Trafford knowing they needed to post a bigger total and they did so, amassing 469-9 before declaring on the second evening. It was slow going – they took 162 overs to score those runs and Dom Sibley’s 120 came from 372 balls, the third slowest ever by an England batsman in a home Test. I have read a few pieces criticising Sibley for batting too slowly – frankly, that’s ridiculous. England have been crying out for a solid opening batsman ever since the retirement of Alastair Cook and now they’ve got one we must not start moaning at him. Remember, they tried to turn limited overs opener Jason Roy into a Test batsman last summer and the experiment was a total failure. The value of building a big first innings total cannot be overestimated, no matter how slowly it comes.

    Dom Sibley batted for more than nine hours in scoring his first innings century

    Stokes just gets better and better

    What a cricketer Ben Stokes is. We already knew that after last year – England would not have won the World Cup without his innings in the final and he batted them to a quite simply miraculous victory in the Ashes Test at Headingley. The way he has resurrected his career since that incident in Bristol could have so easily killed it has been incredible, and how lucky we are that we haven’t lost a player of his calibre.

    Ben Stokes was the man of the match

    In the first innings Stokes scored 176, but said he was ‘more buzzing’ to have faced 300 balls in his innings because ‘it’s something I never thought I would be capable of doing’. In the second innings, when England were looking for quick runs to set up a winning position, Stokes was sent in as opener and cracked 78 off just 57 balls. Later in the day, after fielding a ball on the boundary off his own bowling at one point, he took the crucial wicket of Jermaine Blackwood on the stroke of Tea – just as the West Indies looked like they might be settling in for the draw. Stokes is quite simply indispensable.

    Write off Broad at your peril

    Stuart Broad was dropped for the first Test at the Rose Bowl, the first time that had happened to him in a home Test for eight years. The 34-year-old said he was ‘frustrated, angry and gutted’ to have been left out, so when he was brought back at Old Trafford while James Anderson and Mark Wood were rested he was determined to prove a point. On the fourth afternoon, with the draw the most likely result, Broad took 3 wickets for one run with the new ball to turn the game in England’s favour. He took 3-42 in the second innings. His powers are certainly not waning and he is now just nine away from 400 Test wickets.

    Stuart Broad is closing in on 400 Test wickets

    Who do England pick for the third Test?

    The Covid-19 pandemic has forced the English cricket season to include six Test in seven weeks, and the third Test against the West Indies starts in just four days’ time. Do England go with the same eleven, adhering to the old adage that you ‘never change a winning team’? Or are there decisions to be made?

    The batting line up was impressive in the second match, putting a big total on the board in the first innings and being versatile enough to whack 129 in just 19 overs in the second. In Rory Burns and Sibley they have two solid openers, Zak Crawley looks a decent prospect at number three although he is still finding his feet, Ollie Pope is a fantastic young talent and they are all supported by the experienced heads of Stokes and the captain Joe Root, who returned for the second match having missed the first to be at the birth of his daughter.

    The England team and the selectors clearly love having Jos Buttler around, but he just doesn’t seem good enough with the bat in Test cricket to warrant a place in the side. Especially not when a top keeper and perfectly good batsman in Ben Foakes is waiting in the wings. Buttler is a magnificent player in the shorter formats but he still only has one Test century to his name in 43 matches. He was given the perfect opportunity to go full on One Day mode in the second innings as he was sent in to open with Stokes but played on for 0. It won’t happen but I’d pick Foakes ahead of him.

    England may be tempted to bring back Jofra Archer for the decider

    It would seem like insanity to drop Broad again so the question is whether Chris Woakes, Sam Curran or indeed both make way for Anderson, Wood or Jofra Archer. Archer would have played in the second match had he not breached the bio-secure protocols that have enabled this series to take place at all by popping home to Sussex before arriving in Manchester. His pace would no doubt have caused problems to the West Indies batsmen, and England may be tempted to bring him in.

    All in all, this was a superb Test victory for England and one of the most entertaining final days you could ever wish to see. With the whole of Saturday washed out by rain, the home side have done brilliantly well to force a positive result and it feels like they may now have the momentum heading into the third match, which will decide the winners of the Wisden Trophy.