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  • I Write Wednesday #3 – under a cloud, Blackpool Tower isn’t on fire and the darts sensation that makes us all feel inadequate

    I Write Wednesday #3 – under a cloud, Blackpool Tower isn’t on fire and the darts sensation that makes us all feel inadequate

    It’s a new year, and I begin 2024 under both a literal and metaphorical cloud.

    Here I am, soaked through and knackered, pushing trollies in the work car park last night. I took the photo because I didn’t think it would be believed that I actually had to go out there during Storm Henk. After an incredibly busy Christmas period, I am shattered. There are still two months until I get a week off work. I sense that I am on a downward slope.

    Anyway, that’s enough self-pity. Here’s a few things that have caught my eye this week.

    Daft news story: in the media, there are two ‘silly seasons’. One is in August, when everyone is on their summer holidays and nothing much is going on. The other is that weird week between Christmas and New Year. Last Thursday I was in a cafe with my mum and stepdad when my phone vibrated. The big breaking news story was that grand old Blackpool Tower was on fire! A bona fide English landmark was going up in flames! Not quite. It turned out to be some orange netting at the top of the tower blowing about in the wind. There was no fire. The media made a hasty retreat. In less than a week, the Blackpool Tower ‘fire’ has become a meme.

    A sporting sensation: Luke Littler, who is 16 but – let’s be honest – looks about 35, has taken darts by storm by cruising into the final of the World Championship in his debut year. Impressing everyone with his consistent high scoring and seemingly nerveless disposition, Littler only became world youth champion in November but has beaten Raymond van Barneveled and Rob Cross, who have six World Championship titles between them, in the main event. He plays the world number one and pre-tournament favourite Luke Humphries at Alexandra Palace in London tonight.

    I love the darts. I used to watch it with my dad when I was a kid. Even now, I think the Christmas period only really starts when the World Championship begins. It’s immensely entertaining, and fantastic to watch people who are good at things do what they do. Last year, an incredible leg in the final between Michael Smith and Michael van Gerwen saw both players on course for a nine darter (the perfect leg of 501). van Gerwen missed the double 12, but Smith hit it. That got everyone talking – this year it’s Luke Littler that has captured the imagination.

    A book I’m reading: my Christmas presents this year consisted mainly of books, which is fine by me. One of them was Everything To Play For: The QI Book Of Sports, which I’ve been thoroughly enjoying because it avoids the dreaded sporting cliches and takes a step outside of the bubble us sports fans tend to be in to take a forensic look at what sport actually is, how it began and why it exists. I recommend it, even if you don’t like sport, because it will explain to you that sport is far from a pointless activity and that it is actually built in to the human psyche.

    Thanks for reading my musings this week. See you again soon.

  • I Write Wednesday #1 – Mary Earps, Gavin and Stacey, Blossoms and more

    What is ‘I Write Wednesday’?

    A short round up of things on my mind. Things I’ve seen, read, heard etc. From my point of view, it will help me keep my eye in with my writing. As the name suggests, it will be semi-regular and published on Thursdays.

    Thursdays!?

    Only kidding.

    Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

    So what do you want to tell us this week?

    A bit of news: That Mary Earps won the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award last night and I couldn’t be happier for her. I’m not trying to be right-on or anything like that when I say I love watching the Lionesses. They seem to be more of a team than their male counterparts – and more successful. Earps is a brilliant example of the virtue of never giving up. Four years ago, she felt like her football career was going nowhere and was preparing to try something else. Last night, she received the prestigious SPotY award as a Euros winner, World Cup finalist and comfortably the best goalkeeper in the women’s game. Apparently oxygen thief Piers “Morgan” Moron has been whining (for a change) about it. I find a good rule for life is that whatever he doesn’t like is probably a good thing. Well done Mary.

    A song I’ve been listening to: Blossoms will be releasing their fifth album next year and the first single from it, To Do List (After The Breakup) is a banger. It’s a collaboration with fellow Stockport musician Findlay and, in true Ronseal style, tells you what you need to do after a break up. I’m a big fan. Watch the video below.

    A podcast I’ve been listening to: one I’ve been really getting into recently is The Rest Is Entertainment. It’s a weekly dissection of all things pop culture hosted by Richard Osman (of Pointless, House of Games and Thursday Murder Club fame) and The Guardian journalist Marina Hyde. A recent highlight has been Osman’s insight into this year’s race for the Christmas number one, in which he dropped the bombshell fact that 2004’s Band Aid 20 remains Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke’s only UK number one single. It’s interesting, it’s funny, and it’s been making my journeys to and from work fly by.

    Something you should watch this Christmas: it’s not exactly a hidden gem, but nothing gets me into the Christmas spirit quite like the 2008 festive special of Gavin and Stacey. It’s brilliantly observed, and truly captures that sense of anticipation that the big day holds. It makes me miss those big family Christmasses I remember as a child. You can watch it on BBC iPlayer here.

    Is that it?

    That will do you for this week. Have a very happy Christmas, a great new year and I’ll be back soon.

    Just before you go – why are you asking yourself questions?

    Leave me alone.

  • Things that need to sod off #1 – car adverts

    Advertising is in a sorry state at the moment. Gone are the days of the catchy jingles and clever ideas. In 2023, chances someone in the marketing department has seen something on YouTube or TikTok and shamelessly copied it to shill whatever. Adverts are designed to annoy, going on the principle that “any publicity is good publicity”.

    Adverts for cars are particularly irritating. They tend to show a left-hand drive vehicle cruising down the wrong side of the road (translation: the company were too tight to pay for a British ad and just use the same one they made for mainland Europe), along mountain roads or through a desert. The music playing will either be a brash load of mumbo jumbo or a breathy, twee cover of a pop classic. At the end, the manufacturer’s logo will appear alongside a meaningless slogan, and you’re left none the wiser about the car they are advertising.

    Show me some useful information! How much does it cost? How many miles can I do between filling up/charging it? How big is the boot? Will it be able to get round the tight corners of a British town that was laid out in the medieval period?

    Here’s an example. This is a recent advert for the Peugeot 408. It is remarkable in the way the voiceover manages to say so many words that mean absolutely nothing whatsoever.

    I know nothing of any substance about the Peugeot 408 after watching that advert, other than what it looks like. Ridiculous!

    Sometimes, a car advert doesn’t need to be particularly useful to be memorable. Here is an ad for the Skoda Fabia from 2007. I remember it from my childhood.

    You don’t learn anything about the Fabia in this ad – not even what it looks like, since the car is made entirely out of cake. But it was clever, and it was soundtracked by an actual song from a real artist. I can still recall it 16 years later. That is what good advertising looks like.

    Still, if adverts for cars are bad, then adverts for selling your car are even worse. Mufasa can well and truly sod off with this.

    Do you have a suggestion for something that needs to sod off? Do let me know.

  • Listen To This: Suck It and See by Arctic Monkeys

    Arctic Monkeys in 2011

    There was a lot riding on the fourth studio album from Arctic Monkeys. 2009’s Humbug had seen the band adopt a daring new sound that divided fans, a big departure from the record breaking debut and the follow up that capitalised on its incredible success. The next effort was pivotal – would they blend everything they’d learned into a hit record, or alienate the people that had made them popular in the first place once and for all?

    In the gap between the Arctics’ third and fourth albums, frontman Alex Turner wrote and recorded six original songs for the soundtrack to Submarine, a film directed by Richard Ayoade – known as Moss from The I.T. Crowd – who had been behind the videos for Arctic Monkeys songs Fluorescent Adolescent and Cornerstone. I was made aware of it by Turner’s involvement but I loved the style, the story and the performances and it has become my favourite film.

    By 2010, Turner was living in New York with his then-girlfriend, the TV presenter and model Alexa Chung. It was there that he wrote most of the twelve songs that would make up the fourth Arctic Monkeys album. In Los Angeles, the band recorded live takes of each track – a different process to Humbug, where they used overdubbing.

    As for the title? It could have been The Rain-Shaped Shimmer Trap, inspired by the ‘colourful’ names often given to guitar fuzz pedals. According to drummer Matt Helders, ‘it were genuinely gonna be Thriller for, about… a week’. Eventually, they settled on the title of the album’s eleventh track to label the entire record: Suck It and See was born.

    The rather sparse cover of Suck It and See – some American retailers found the title offensive and covered it with a sticker

    Track listing

    She’s Thunderstorms
    Black Treacle
    Brick by Brick
    The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala
    Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair
    Library Pictures
    All My Own Stunts
    Reckless Serenade
    Piledriver Waltz
    Love Is a Laserquest
    Suck It and See
    That’s Where You’re Wrong

    Released on 6th June 2011, more than 82,000 copies of Suck It and See were sold in its first week, comfortably knocking Lady Gaga off the top of the albums chart and giving the Arctics another number one. The songs are much less dark than those on Humbug, the band returning to a more accessible pop sound – Q magazine described it as ‘the sound of a band drawing back the curtains and letting the sunshine in’. They remained unafraid of trying something new, however.

    The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala was the first Arctic Monkeys song I ever heard played over the PA system in a football ground, a sign of how mainstream this album was. Brick by Brick featured Matt Helders on vocals, with Turner only belting out the chorus. Some songs were inspired by such innocuous moments as someone telling Turner in the studio ‘don’t sit down, ’cause I’ve moved your chair’. Piledriver Waltz was written for the Submarine soundtrack and was re-recorded with the full band for the album.

    Turner’s insightful lyrics are still very much part of the package. On All My Own Stunts, he sings ‘Been watching cowboy films on gloomy afternoons/Tinting the solitude’, a possible reference to the long days in New York waiting for his girlfriend to come home. The excellent Love Is a Laserquest contains my favourite lyrics on the album:

    And do you still think love is a laserquest?
Or do you take it all more seriously?
I've tried to ask you this in some daydreams that I've had
But you're always busy being make-believe

And do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you're there?
Or have somebody's goodnight kisses got that covered?
When I'm not being honest, I pretend that you were just some lover

    Matt Helders has a lot to thank Suck It and See for – it was while recording the video for the title track that he met model Breana McDow. The couple had a daughter in 2015 and were married in 2016, though sadly divorced in 2019.

    Matt Helders and Breana McDow became a couple after shooting this video together

    Suck It and See was another important step for the Arctic Monkeys after Humbug, and paved the way for the huge success of AM that followed.

  • Watch This: Blossoms – Back To Stockport

    As much as I love football, I am getting a bit tired of the daily dose of games beamed live from empty grounds. I’m really starting to miss crowds now. A living, breathing crowd adds so much to sport. Bordered by empty seats, even the biggest games feel like no big deal – Liverpool v Manchester United might as well have been Tranmere v Oldham.

    Last night Arsenal played Newcastle, and, while I would usually have the game on in the background while doing other things, this time I decided to watch something more interesting. I watched Blossoms – Back To Stockport.

    It’s a documentary film about the band Blossoms, exploring their origins and showing their preparations for a big homecoming gig in front of 15,000 people at Edgeley Park, home of Stockport County Football Club, which took place on 22nd June 2019.

    Blossoms. Left to right: guitarist Josh Dewhurst, bass player Charlie Salt, lead singer Tom Ogden, drummer Joe Donovan and keyboard player Myles Kellock

    In case you haven’t heard of them, Blossoms are a five-piece band from the aforementioned town of Stockport, near Manchester. The sort of music they make is probably best defined as psychadelic-indie-rock-pop. They came fourth on the BBC’s Sound of 2016 list, the broadcaster’s annual pick of musicians to listen out for in the year ahead. I first heard about them as I am a listener of Radio X, who included Blossoms on their similar Great X-Pectations list, and gave a lot of radio play to their single Charlemagne.

    Charlemagne, the breakthrough single for Blossoms

    I was immediately drawn to the band I think, in part, because there was a certain groove, a funk, to their songs – a sound that manages to simultaneously feel both modern and retro. I respect the fact that the frontman Tom Ogden writes all the songs and they all seem genuinely great guys who are living the dream. If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I am a total devotee to Arctic Monkeys, so you can imagine how delighted I was to hear in the film that Blossoms started off doing Arctic Monkeys covers and described Alex Turner as an ‘idol’.

    The film is made to a very high standard. It goes in-depth on the back stories of the five members of the band (discovering that all but one of them is younger than me made me feel old), who go against the grain of many rock bands of the past by showing themselves to be best mates in a way that they simply couldn’t put on for the cameras. Footage of the Edgeley Park gig runs as a thread throughout, and there are even little animated inserts to go along with whatever story one of them is telling at that moment.

    In Ogden, the band have a figurehead who demonstrates great showmanship on stage – the long hair and the 70s suits – but away from it he’s a quiet guy who just likes walking his dog. The drummer, Joe Donovan, has been Ogden’s friend since they were at school together and is a ball of energy brilliantly described by the others as ‘like having a fan of the band who is in the band’. Bassist Charlie Salt is a sort of older brother figure (he was born in 1991 for Christ’s sake!) who has the air of someone who would be able to charm his way into anything. Myles Kellock plays the keyboards, but seemingly only half as much as he plays video games – there’s one shot in the film where he’s playing what looks like Mario Kart at the back of a recording studio while the others are working on a song. His keyboards certainly contribute greatly to that modern/retro sound I described earlier, though.

    That leaves my favourite member of the band, lead guitarist Josh Dewhurst. He has a quality that I admire a lot, and that is being funny with a straight face. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people laugh, he just has a dry wit that makes him naturally funny. I’m someone who relies a lot on sarcasm so I can relate. In one scene, the band are being fitted out with the suits they will wear on stage at the big gig and Dewhurst tells a hilarious story about how he’s had to have pockets made on his trousers because, according to the tailor, ‘you don’t have an arse’. He tells it in such a way that makes Ogden in the background crack up, as did I. Dewhurst is also an incredibly talented musician. On the most recent Blossoms album, Foolish Loving Spaces, on the track Your Girlfriend the cowbell-type sound at the beginning was produced by Dewhurst hitting the wheel of a car.

    Your Girlfriend, from the 2020 Blossoms album Foolish Loving Spaces

    The shots of 15,000 people packed tightly onto the Edgeley Park pitch feel like a window into a different world, one in which no one knew what social distancing was. As hard as it is to believe at the moment, those days will return but for now this film is a wonderful tonic for these locked down times.

    I urge you to both give Blossoms a listen and watch the film. Their music appeals to all ages – I gave my mum one of their albums as a present last year and she’s had it on almost constantly in her car ever since – and the film is inspiring, in that a group of lads who a few years ago were playing to fifty people in pubs are now headlining stadium gigs. Watch the trailer below and the film is on Amazon Prime.

    The trailer for Blossoms – Back To Stockport

  • Cricket 4 The Masses

    I found this video on YouTube recently. Uploaded by madmusician91, who must take all the credit for it, the video shows the last few minutes of Channel 4’s excellent live coverage of cricket:

    England had just won the Ashes for the first time in 18 years, in what is regarded as the greatest Test series ever played. Cricket was in the public consciousness like it had not been since Botham’s Ashes of 1981, enjoying popularity akin to football, being talked about across the country. Ironic, then, that that series was to be the end not only of Channel 4’s coverage, but of live international cricket coverage as a whole on terrestrial television in the UK.

    Television was still in its infancy when the BBC decided to show the Lord’s and Oval Tests against Australia in 1938. Very few people owned a television then – and if they did they were rich. Even so, whatever viewers there were got the chance to see Len Hutton score 364; at the time it was a world record and it is to this day the highest Test score by an Englishman. The BBC continued to show live England cricket right up until 1999.

    Test cricket at Old Trafford in 2014 - but you needed to pay to see it on television.
    Test cricket at Old Trafford in 2014 – but you needed to pay to see it on television.

    Pay television first made an impact on live England home matches at this point – Sky Sports shared coverage with Channel 4. Rupert Murdoch’s network had already been showing England tours since 1990, but this was their first foray into home internationals. The rights deal, however, remained in favour of the terrestrial broadcaster. Sky showed just the one Test match each summer, with the other five or six on Channel 4. Sky showed all of the one day matches live.

    In 2004, to some surprise, the England and Wales Cricket Board announced that it had awarded exclusive rights to England home matches to Sky Sports. This meant that from 2006, fans would have to pay to watch England play live for the first time. The deal went ahead despite a campaign to ‘Keep Cricket 4 Us’ and with an extension until 2017 cricket will only be shown as highlights on Channel 5.

    While Sky’s money has been invested in grassroots cricket, with the sport not easily accessible to the general public interest has inevitably waned. The conclusion of Sky’s first live Ashes series in 2009 was watched by just under 2 million viewers, with the average throughout the day at 856,000. Compare this to Channel 4’s live coverage of the 2005 Ashes finale – 7.4 million watched the end of play, with an average of 4.7 million between the lunch break and the close.

    With such a gulf in viewing figures between the pay TV channel and the terrestrial, there remain calls for live England cricket to return to free-to-air television. With no prospect of this until at least 2018, however, it looks like an hour of highlights per day is all we will have to satisfy us for now.